As I was reflecting today over a friend in my life, I’ve come to believe that people are like onions. There are layers upon layers to us, and we build walls strategically to keep certain people in (or out). Kathy from accounting certainly doesn’t know that we like to sleep in the nude, but our best friend Toby might know that we’re claustrophobic in elevators. Like a complicated and intricate maze, we put up these walls as a way of self-preservation. But if I’m being completely honest, sometimes I wish we didn’t have such an ability.
I wish that we could be more transparent. I wish that when someone asks, “how are you?” that we could reply with a more genuine answer. We could have the ability to moan about a lack of sleep, or bitch about the traffic jam on the way to work. When someone asks if we’ve lost weight (or gained), we could be honest that we’ve likely ate one too many Chipotle burritos because we’re not heading to the beach this year.
I wish that instead of walls, we could behave more authentically. Can you imagine a world where you can ask someone a question, whatever it may be, and know that it’s okay to ask? If the person chooses to not respond, they can simply say, “I don’t really want to share that”. And of course, that’s fine. Privacy is an important part of life. But, there would be no faux pas for asking. We needn’t tiptoe with etiquette rules running through our mind every time we sat down with someone for lunch. We could listen to a person speak. Truly listen with intention, and then ask probing questions that pique our curiosity.
But the world isn’t like that. People have layers upon layers. I, myself, also have layers. However, in an effort to begin a revolution of more transparency, I want to share a tunnel to my core here. A path diverged and less traveled by to the center of my heart. A moment in time where, if you were to meet me in person, you might not have the same opportunity. This is my path without walls, layers, or resistance.
Level I.: The Epidermis Layer
I look at myself in the mirror and know that people see me as fat. How could they not? And yet, sometimes I dream in my mind about being a curvy, sexy woman. I twirl in front of the mirror (alone) and imagine that I’m like Marilyn Monroe. When no one’s looking, I smear on red lipstick and pucker at my reflection. I envision people turning heads as they see my hourglass figure walking by. Admittedly, I’d likely be walking by in my pink adidas shoes versus high heels. I’m not very good at walking in heels. But I digress….
Level II.: The Dermis Layer
Like most people I have insecurities, and yet I am a dreamer. I’ll be 35 this year, and yet my mind wanders with dreams that I long to attain. One of my deepest dreams is to sail the world. Oh, how I love being out on the ocean! I have sailed before and nothing felt so right like having the wind in my face, and the rock of the boat over the waves. One day I long to own my own ship and be a Captain. The day that I earn my ASA (American Sailing Association) certificates I will squeal with glee.
So what stops me? Time, money, responsibility. Student loans, like so many others out there who went to college. While I want to sail away to Fiji or Tahiti…. my life is here. And I can’t hoist the sails just yet. But one day, I hope to do just that.
Level III. The Subcutaneous Layer
Sex is a scary thing for for a plus sized woman. One of the worst dates I ever had was with a guy I had been talking to for almost a month. We had swapped pictures, but when we met up in person he was “miffed” that I was an inch taller than he. Throughout the date there was polite conversation, but I could feel something was off. By the end of the night he suddenly said to me, “Look I don’t normally go for fat chicks like you”. The words stung. Admittedly, I cried in front of him. I think he was so taken aback that he apologized and tried to give me a hug. But I walked away and never looked back.
It’s hard being a curvy, larger woman.
Some men see my rump as “more cushion for the push’in” or so I’ve been told. Others see my butt as one step away from “damn!”. But it’s hard. It takes so much confidence to get into the bedroom with a partner when you have some fluff on the skin. You’re at your most vulnerable, letting someone see you in all of your glory. You can try to slip into bed with the lights out. (Believe me, I’ve tried!). But eventually those covers are coming off, and they are going to notice every square inch of your skin. It’s those moments that make me blush just thinking of them.
I long to have a night of heated passion. Not to sound so corny, (though I am throwing down my onion-walls here), but I want a night of hot, rompy, no-talking-because-we’re-too-busy-f****** kind of sex! Mmpf! That would be nice. 🙂
Level IV.: The Inner Core
I don’t allow many people here. Not at all. Like countless others out there, I, too, have my demons. I know I emotionally eat when I’m sad. Though to be fair, I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older. Older. Old. Now that’s a word that scares me. Is 35 old? I’ve heard of people in their 50’s and 60’s that are swingers, for crying out loud! Not that I would be a swinger but I hope I never lose my libido.
Anyway, I don’t really allow people into my inner core. I guess because I’ve lost many friends over the years. I’ve moved away. People have moved on. There have been job changes. Marrying and remarrying. And now in my 30’s I sometimes feel lonely that I don’t really have friends to speak of. I don’t think I’m anti-social. Admittedly, I’m a bit colorful, bubbly, and I do talk quite a bit. But…. I hope that doesn’t make people shy from me.
Level V.: The Core
People say, “live life with no regrets” but I can’t say that. I do have regrets. I have scars on my heart. Two, actually. Scars that I’ll live with for the rest of my life. Moments that have defined me and shaped who I am. I’ve walked through metaphorical fire and lived to tell the tale. But I don’t want a reward. I don’t want to brag about that story. Instead, I want peace. With every passing year those two faces become a bit more blurred in my mind. Some details are clear, while others are fuzzy.
I’m sure we all have people like that. Isn’t it strange, how when you lose someone, over time… lots of time…. the mind begins to wipe their face away? Certain memories stick close to the heart, and Thank God for that because I think my soul would shatter if I lost my memories of them completely. But, other details are fuzzy if not forgotten. I can remember the smell of their skin, and the shampoo in their hair. I can remember the sparkle of their blue eyes and the way they used to smile. But their voice is a distant memory. The inflections in their words are foreign to me now, and that pains my heart. It’s part of the ache, and beauty, of life.
Moments are precious. People, relationships, and family are even more so. The gift of life is savoring each day and making it your own. So don’t be in such a hurry that you miss these moments passing you by. Stop. Breathe deep. And live.
Tear down your onion-walls. It felt good to tear down a few of mine. Have a beautiful night everyone.
~Miss Cutie xx
Cheddar-Chive Scones (For When You’re Feeling Onion-y)
Makes: 6 scones
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 8 tablespoon butter, frozen
- 1 small bundle of fresh chives, diced fine
- 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
- 1/3 cup sour cream
- 1 egg
- Adjust oven rack to lower-middle position and preheat oven to 400 degrees.
- In a stand mixer, place all of the dry ingredients in. (Flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt).
- Then Add in the wet ingredients: 1 egg, 1/2 c. sour cream, 1 bundle diced chives, 1/3 cup shredded Cheddar cheese, and butter.
- Whip the dough together letting the stand mixer pull everything into one cohesive and delicious dough. (Don’t worry, as the butter warms the dough will pull together!). If you’re doing this by hand, rub the butter into the flour until it resembles coarse breadcrumbs and then mix in the egg, and sour cream. Mix into a dough and then add the cheese and chives. Knead the dough until the cheese and chives and combined thoroughly.
- Roll the dough into a disc shape and cut into triangles.
- Bake for 20 minutes and serve warm with your favorite tea.